* First published in Spring/Summer 2009

There’s a quote from the movie Mean Girls that may hit home if your child has been affected by cliquish behavior or bullying: “And they have ... this Burn Book, where they write mean things about girls in our grade.”

Bullying no doubt exists in your child’s school, often without detection. Bullies usually act out when authority figures are not likely to witness their behavior, and victims rarely report the events because they fear retaliation or not being believed, or they think things may get even worse if they say anything. Bullies may warn victims not to talk, and many adults and other students blame victims for being weak and unable to defend themselves.

Your child may be a victim, a bully or one of the other players. In any case, you can help stop bullying, and help your child feel safer in school.

Bullying, Defined
Bullying goes far beyond teasing. The American Academy of Pediatrics defines bullying as a form of aggression in which one or more children repeatedly and intentionally intimidate, harass or physically harm a child perceived as defenseless. Other professionals state that bullying invokes an imbalance of power among the persons involved. Regardless of the definition, bullying is a repeated pattern of abuse, not a rite of passage.

Bullying behavior is intentional and aimed at gaining control over another child. It can be direct, such as taunting, kicking and stealing, or indirect (relational aggression), such as spreading cruel rumors. Boys tend to prefer direct methods, while girls steer more toward indirect methods. Bullying behavior differs in severity and form. The most obvious form, physical bullying, includes punching, kicking, biting, hair pulling, pinching and threatening. Verbal bullying typically accompanies physical bullying, with name-calling, gossip and persistent teasing. Emotional intimidation involves deliberate attacks on the victim’s self-esteem, through belittling or exclusion, for example. Cliques exclude other children. Racist bullying mocks the victim’s traditions and often voices racial slurs. Sexual bullying encompasses unwanted physical contacts, such as wedgies or bra snapping, as well as derogatory comments.

Virtual Bullying
Cyberbullying uses the Internet, cell phones or other devices to send or post text or images intended to hurt or embarrass another person. Cyberbullies typically use fictitious screen names and may lack face-to-face contact with their victims. They are thus unlikely to feel sympathy, regret or compassion toward their victims. Cyberbullies are often difficult to trace, which reduces their fear of getting caught and being punished, and helps them avoid the consequences of their actions. Cyberbullying tactics include:
• Sending cruel, vicious and sometimes threatening messages via texting, instant messaging or e-mails.
• Assuming other identities online to trick victims.
• Creating Web sites that have stories, cartoons, pictures and jokes ridiculing others.
• Posting pictures of classmates online and encouraging other students to rate them.
• Taking a picture of a person in the locker room and sending it to others.
• Altering pornographic photos by adding a peer’s face to the image, and sending it to porn sites or posting it on a blog.
• Breaking into someone’s e-mail account and sending vicious or embarrassing material to others.
• Engaging someone in instant messaging, then tricking that person into revealing sensitive personal information and forwarding it to others.

Kids Who Bully
Some bullies behave in an active, outgoing, aggressive manner, using brute force or open harassment, rejecting rules and rebelling to feel superior and secure. Others behave in a more reserved manner, not wanting to be recognized as tormentors. They control with lies and sweet talk, saying the right thing at the right time, drawing their power through deception. Both types have common traits: an interest in their own pleasure, a desire for power over others, a willingness to manipulate others to get what they want, and an inability to see things from another’s perspective.

The Victims
Victims tend to be either passive or provocative. Passive victims are insecure and anxious. Many are physically smaller, cautious, sensitive and quiet. They tend to see themselves as failures. Provocative victims are usually quick-tempered and try to fight back if they feel attacked. Restless and irritable kids who tease and provoke others can become victims, and some experts suspect that some children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) fit into this category. Other potential victims are kids with learning disorders, those with physical disabilities, kids experiencing a family crisis or those who are neglected. Unfortunately, children who already have much to cope with tend to become victims.

Other Players
Even if your child is not a bully or victim, chances are she has played one of the roles at some point. Bully buddies are the sidekicks of the bullies. They assist the bully, sometimes luring victims or holding them down. Bully bolsters do not actively attack the victim; however, they give positive feedback to the bully, usually by laughing and making encouraging gestures. Victim victors show anti-bullying behavior by comforting the victim and trying to stop the bully. Bully bystanders do not get involved, stay in the background and allow the bullying to continue through their silence.

Consequences of Bullying
Bullies may develop delinquent behaviors during adolescence, as well as serious criminal behavior in adulthood. The majority remain bullies throughout their lives, if untreated. They typically drop out of school, have trouble holding jobs and fail at maintaining positive close relationships.

Victims can experience low self-esteem, depression and anxiety, all of which may carry into adulthood. Their schoolwork may suffer, and they may find themselves isolated because their friends fear losing status or becoming victims if they hang out with them. Female victims may later find themselves in abusive relationships. Some victims commit suicide out of desperation, while others commit murder because they were chronically bullied.

When Your Child Is Bullied
The effects of bullying are often not as obvious as a black eye or bloody nose. Encourage your child to talk about school, social events, the kids in her school and the friends and other people she associates with on her route to and from school. Look for subtle signs, as well as the obvious ones:
• She acts moody or sullen, or withdraws from family interaction.
• She becomes depressed.
• She loses interest in schoolwork, causing a drop in her grades.
• She invents stomachaches or an illness to avoid school, or outright refuses to go.
• She changes her sleep patterns or her eating patterns drastically.
• She waits to use the bathroom at home.
• She arrives home with torn clothes or unexplained bruises.
• She loses personal belongings, or asks for extra money for school lunch or supplies.
• She wants to carry protection, such as a knife or gun.

Sit down and talk with your child in a safe, comfortable, private location. Take her complaints seriously since minor complaints may be covering a more severe grievance. She may be afraid or ashamed to tell you that she was bullied, so listen carefully. If you find that she has been victimized, don’t overreact or add to her burden with an angry or blaming response. Don’t let her see that you’re upset, as she may interpret that as disappointment in her. Reinforce that it wasn’t her fault by saying, “The bully has a problem, not you. She picked on you for no reason. You didn’t do anything to cause it.”

Talking about the problem helps and comforts your child by letting her know that you’re on her side. But that doesn’t change the fact that the bully will still be at school the next day. You need to teach her how to handle the problem by sharing these tips:
• Avoid places where the bully hangs out. Staying out of harm’s way is sensible, not cowardly.
• Do not show anger or fight back. Anger and violence actually can make matters worse.
• Don’t go along with what the bully says or wants, and hold on to possessions. Giving in to the bully will not help recapture dignity and repair self-esteem.
• Act first by looking the bully in the eye and saying, “I don’t like it when you tease me, and I want you to stop it right now.” Walk away and ignore any further teasing.
• Do not retaliate, as it just reinforces violence as a solution to problems.
• Report the incident to a teacher or other adult.

You, as the parent, should notify the school whenever an incident occurs, and should be persistent until action is taken. If the bullying seems to have affected your child’s self-esteem, seek professional help.

Help your child develop the social skills to make friends. She’s less likely to be bullied in a peer group. Foster her healthy self-esteem, and teach her problem-solving skills. Show her how to be assertive rather than submissive. Involve her in a special activity, like karate or sports that will give her self-confidence and help her gain the respect of other children. Confident, resourceful children are less likely to be bullied or to bully others.

When the Bully Is Your Child
It’s more difficult to detect bullies than victims. Bullies are adept at hiding their mistreatment of others because in their minds the victims deserve what they get. You may have no idea that your child is bullying until you’re told by a teacher or another parent. Your child may act cocky, arrogant and self-assured, and he may have difficulty accepting authority. If you ask him about bullying, he’s apt to be condescending in his response.

If you find out your child is a bully, stay calm. No matter how hard it is for you to believe, try to be objective, and don’t become angry or defensive. Since your child most likely won’t confess his behavior to you, ask him to tell you exactly what he has been doing. Explain how his behavior constitutes bullying, and ask why he thinks he bullies and what might help him stop. Since bullying often stems from unhappiness, try to find out what’s bothering him.

Here are some tips:
• Take the problem very seriously. If your child is a bully now, he’s at risk for more severe problems later in life.
• Supervise him more closely, and stay nearby when he plays with other kids. If you can’t watch him — at school, for instance — arrange for adult supervision, or ask that he only participate in supervised activities.
• Set limits. Tell him that bullying will not be tolerated, and make sure he understands. Show him that there are real consequences for his bad behavior.
• Help him understand the rights and feelings of others. Ask how he would feel if someone bullied him. Use examples from books, television and movies.
• Stop any display of aggression immediately, and help him find nonviolent outlets for frustration and handling problems.
• Foster his participation in physical activities such as sports to give him healthy ways to feel powerful and strong.
• Praise him for appropriate behaviors.
• Teach him how to be assertive rather than aggressive.
• Talk to his school counselor and teacher. Explain that he is trying to improve his behavior, and ask for their assistance.
• If older siblings tease him, instruct them to stop doing so, and administer consequences as needed.
• Be a positive role model. Control your own aggression.
• Seek professional help. Bullying behavior often requires outside assistance. Take advantage of counseling services at school or in your community.

Just Another Player
You should treat bully buddies as bullies, and praise victim victors for their courage, both at home and at school. But what if your child is just part of the crowd? Peer pressure is usually positive, but negative peer pressure can sway your child toward the wrong crowd, causing her to become a bully bolster or bystander just to fit in.

• Start by surrendering your belief that all peer pressure is bad. Most groups encourage positive behaviors. They foster your child’s self-esteem and abilities, and children with positive self-esteem are less likely to be swayed by negative peer influence.
• Get to know your child’s friends and their parents. Encourage all of the parents to get together as a group. Work together to develop ground rules, such as curfew. You and the other parents will have an easier job if you’re all on the same moral ground.
• Defer your judgment when your child confides in you about his friends, even when the conversation revolves around something that makes your jaw drop, like drinking. Instead, use this time as an opportunity to share experiences. That way your child will know that he can always turn to you when he is confused.
• Don’t criticize your child or make negative comments about his friends. He’ll only ink he doesn’t fit in with his friends or conclude that since he is just like them, you don’t like him either. Tell him that you understand how he feels, then see if the two of you can come up with an alternative in cases where it’s possible.
• Acknowledging his desire to be part of his group does not obligate you to give in to his every desire. But choose your battles wisely. Compromise on the minor issues, and hold firm on the major ones. And remember that even if it may not seem that way, your child really does value your opinion.

Bullying can be harmful to your child’s health and well-being. You should take steps to make sure your child is bullying- free, regardless of whether he is the victim, bully or other player.

RESOURCES FOR PARENTS & KIDS
Stop Bullying Now: www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov
Helping Kids Deal with Bullies: www.kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/bullies.html
National Crime Prevention Council: www.ncpc.org
Center for Safe & Responsible Internet Use: www.cyberbullying.org
Stop Cyberbullying: www.stopcyberbullying.org/educators/howdoyouhandleacyberbully.html
Stop Cyberbullying Now: www.stopcyberbullying.org

Mary Muscari, PhD, CRNP, CS, an Associate Professor at the Decker School of Nursing at Binghamton University, is the author of Not My Kid: 21 Steps to Raising a Nonviolent Child and Let Kids Be Kids: Rescuing Childhood!

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