* First published in Spring/Summer 2009

You may be surprised at how your adolescent children can be sweet one day, super-emotional the next, and downright rude at other times. Kids may be baffled by their own behavior as well.

Certainly adolescence is a confusing time of growth and development, with many physical, psychosocial and emotional changes related to the onset of puberty.

In early adolescence, teens are more interested in themselves and more likely to socialize in groups. In middle adolescence, they are active socially in sports and hobbies. They also begin driving and dating, becoming more independent and accepting responsibility for their actions.

During this time of transition, young people begin to develop the ability to compare options, make their own decisions, evaluate consequences and form significant relationships.

Parenting adolescents requires an eye for what can be seen as well as what may not be apparent. Teens generally experience new sexual feelings that are puzzling and exciting at the same time. They are questioning their feelings and unexpected urges. And they are searching for answers to questions they may not know how to ask.

You can help by anticipating what your children need to know and by communicating effectively with them. Here are tips:

• Be available to listen and to give advice. Young people are receptive to information about healthy relationships. While they do not automatically know what constitutes appropriate behavior in dating, it is clear that they often think and talk about romantic relationships. Knowing that teens question peers regularly about dating and sexuality, you should acquaint yourself with your teen’s environment, computer, friends and activities.

• Be a role model. Most of what young people learn will be a result of watching you, their older siblings and their peers. Children learn by example, so examine your own lifestyle. Parents with healthy relationships and open lines of communication, honest discussion and high levels of trust are likely to demonstrate appropriate interpersonal skills to their adolescent children. Teens may repeat high-risk choices in parental behavior as well, such as smoking, using illegal drugs or drinking while driving.

• Establish dating guidelines. You and your spouse should always present a united front when discussing acceptable teen dating behavior with your children.

Be prepared to tell your children what you expect: at what age they can date; whether they can date in groups or as a couple; whether they can date on weekends only, or school nights as well; whether driving on a date is acceptable. You should set up a “free ride” policy, whereby your teen can contact you in a difficult situation. Always make clear the consequences for violating the dating rules. Stand firm in your decisions as parents.

• Don’t automatically dismiss superficial dating as puppy love. It may actually be more significant for your teen. Early relationships are pivotal to self-esteem and shape personal values regarding healthy relationships. Romantic relationships are central to teens (ages 15 to 19 years) who may spend more time with their love interests than with friends or family. Romantic relationships (as well as family relationships) may facilitate forming a sense of identity, and refining values and interpersonal skills. While many adolescent relationships last only a few weeks or months, break-ups may help teens to develop emotional resiliency and coping skills.

Adolescent relationships offer a training ground for refining communication and negotiation skills, and developing empathy and emotional support. Take the opportunity to promote your teen’s development for building interpersonal skills and relating to peers and the opposite sex as well as minimizing risks.

• Allow independence while steering your kids toward healthy relationships. Adolescence is time for experimentation — which satisfies curiosity, is developmentally appropriate and may be related to peer pressure. Consequently, teens in dating relationships are at greater risk for abuse by partners (verbal, emotional and physical). They may interpret jealously or constant text messaging from a person they are interested in romantically as a sign of love rather than a warning sign of abuse, for instance. In addition, they may not recognize that the Internet sites where they can post pictures and trade messages are potentially dangerous.

Be sensitive to your children’s individual experiences, developmental level, maturity and attitudes when teaching them to recognize the characteristics of good and bad relationships.

By providing the guidance that will help your kids develop communication and interpersonal skills and identify healthy and potentially dangerous relationships, you can support your children and be active in their lives — even as they gain their independence.

Deborah White, PhD, CPNP, a certified PNP, works in a pediatric primary care setting and is an assistant professor at Robert Morris University in PA.